Looking back on the tears would make me laugh

So I cut my hair twice this week:D and yes, all by myself. Okay, my brother was involved too. The first time, I cut my fringe was because I felt it quite irritating since it was too long. The second time, I cut my fringe was because esther said that since my hair’s in a neither short nor long length, I might as well just cut it all short, something like bangs. I did and it turned out awful ’cause it wasn’t straight, it was sooo uneven. This was when my brother took part in my hair cutting exercise which I have done for more than 5 times? Yeah, around there. I told him that I wanted my fringe to be as straight as a ruler, so he really went to take a ruler placed it on my fringe and cut it straight according to the ruler. The aftermath was horrendous but at least it turned out better than if I just left my fringe that way with the means of my destruction. HAHAH:D I don’t even know how to describe myself, I even get traumatised looking at myself in the mirror and I can hear myself screaming inside and outside too. Then I asked my bro, “If you were just some random little boy and not my brother and you see me on the bus with my newly-cut fringe, what would be your first thought?” He replied, “Disgusting.” I just screamed, disgusting?! HAHAH, but it’s all my fault, who can I blame but in the end, we just kept laughing at my dumb fringe and my dumb self for actually being so rash in doing that.

School this morning was just a whole new experience~
When I got out of the car, there was this whole hoard of people who just alighted from the bus at the traffic light and somehow, I felt like all eyes were on me, like everyone was staring at my indescribable fringe, even when we were crossing the road, I could see from my peripheral vision that people were just gawking at me. Gawking is such a word to be used here but that was what came into my mind:D It’s probably just the psychological self-consiousness in me. Stepping in class was just…unbearably funny. HAHAH, I was actually laughing along with so many friends about the great act that I’ve done to my beautiful self (see esther, I just said it, and you realise I neh even blame you about you playing a part in making my fringe in today’s state!) And melberly, she’s fantastic. When we were in the drama studio and we were asking everyone to hurry sit down, she just looked at me and started bursting out in laughter and just kept saying “Your hair, your hair. HAHAHAHAHA” It was endless.

I just spent two paragraphs talking about my hair, I’m so hopeless. I think I’ll be hanging on to this for awhile till the fringe returns to an appropriate and suitable length. Don’t mind me, life will still go on as per normal!(: OH, something else. While on our way home today, meiqi, esther and I were sitting in the bus and we were talking about some serious stuff. I was thinking since today we had reflection day, let’s talk about something more senseless, unrealistic, retarded, foolish, out of the world, unique, never imagined, brainless stuff. I mean, it would all make us feel a little happier after what we had in the day. So we did that and guess what we talked about? MY FRINGE:D “I’ve mang-ed hair” Right, esther and meiqi?(: But, all of this really made me laugh alot and I’m sure everyone was entertained. It’s really one of those happy days where there are no lessons and for once we can just let go of everything and have a good laugh:D

Reflection day.
It was reflective and I realised that I had alot in mind when the session was carried out. Many real life stories were shared and they showed a lot of human compassion and resilience. We always tend to not treasure, truly treasure the things and people we have, only when something tragic happens, when we are met with natural life processes like death. Is it in the human nature for us to do that? I always feel that when I really try to not take things for granted and cherish all that I have in life, I somehow drift away from that path, I end up making mistakes again. Stories and advices have told me enough that I have to be thankful for everything and everyone but I don’t know why and I really want to know why, no matter how many stories or how much advice, I veer away and time again, take my loved ones and friends for granted. Is it really true that I must face something tragic before I get to seriously grab hold of all my friendships and family relations strongly? People always say: Treasure the people you have now, for when at the least unexpected times, you’ll lose them and then regret. But, can we really do that? Can I really do that? It’s not about a person’s character or attitude, but I’m looking at it from human’s nature, something which is just already in us. So, this makes me very confused ’cause each time I say hurtful things to someone, I quarrel with my parents, my grandparents, it makes me feel like a really horrid person ’cause after I calm down and think about it, I realise I didn’t treasure them even though I said I would. Let’s say now, I have this strong surge in me to find out why I can’t do that?

I think I feel confused now, hahah! Besides that lingering question and thought in mind, today’s reflection day was quite a “huge success” for me. I like reflection days and I’m glad our school always have one day reserved for this ’cause every year, at this day, I think about what happened in the year and all that I’ve been through with not just my friends but my family. It may be happy, it may be sad, but all of it strengthened the bond between everyone of us. When the songs were played, my thoughts started drifting back to last year, like what esther said, it was really one of the most memorable years with such fond memories. Some of the things that happened makes me feel regret, some of happiness, some of sadness, some of injustice, some of gratefulness and some of family and some of friendship. Whatever it is, thank you everyone, there are just so many of you to name, for being by my side in supporting me and always giving me hugs whenever I’m down:D

GOODNIGHT, FRIENDS(: It’s a lovely night, tonight, so sec fours, JIAYOU and hang in there, you can do this(:

(I’ve actually quite some more to say, but I’m kind of blinded by too much typed words and the light coming from the computer and probably radiation and all that nonsense, so I’ll stop:D)

A city sparkles in the night.

(Replies to tags are at the bottom so you have to read this long post till the very end before you can see them. Muahah:D)Facebook looks different but I can’t tell which parts changed. But I don’t really like the changes, whatever it is, makes facebook looks so disorganized. My right knee joint is aching which makes me feel like an old grandma.

When I was out this morning with my parents to do grocery shopping, over breakfast, we talked a lot and out of the lots, we started talking about what kind of career I would go for when I hit 20 odd years. My dad said, “Why not be a chef?” and yeah, why not? I’m interested in baking and cooking and when I bake or cook I find pleasure when doing it. I don’t want those 9-5 desk bound jobs or jobs that involves much financing, banking, rigidness etc. I don’t think I can stand myself having to sit on a chair the whole day long, facing the computer and sorting out data, when the clock strikes 12, I go for lunch and when it reaches 1, I get back to that chair till I finish the day’s work. Being a chef is something appealing, fascinating and induces a sense of novelty. Everyday, I can come up with different dishes, invent different baking methods, bake different cakes. The thing about cooking and baking is that you don’t necessarily have to act accordingly to the cook book, you can add in anything you want. It’s all about trying and experimenting till you find the perfect ingredients for your cake or dish; just like life. We never know what will happen unless we try, we never know how our different decisions will affect our life unless we try. Those different ingredients we add into our cake mixture are like failures and successes in our lives. When we add in something sour, the cake might turn out sour; when we add in something sweet, the cake might turn out sweet. Some like sweet cakes while others like sour cakes (I’ve never really tasted a sour cake, and I’ll try it one day!), so the course of everyone’s lives are very different. No one life is the same as another, but one life is as precious as another. It’s all about how and what we do in our life which we make it fulfilling and satisfying for ourselves.

It’s through all the tries that we learn how to get certain things done or overcome certain obstacles; like the many times that we put in different ingredients into our cakes. Not every time, we get our desired outcome, but we do learn from them, we learn how to appreciate the people around us, be thankful for what we have, we learn how to be a friend for our friends, we learn how to study hard etc. I like it when I’m being reflective and thinking again, right now, I have thoughts in my mind that is in need for some sorting and typing all this out makes me feel better inside(: So, let’s say my options mainly consist of being a farmer or chef!

We had guides yesterday but esther couldn’t go ’cause of her dental appointment and in the end, I didn’t go for it too. I didn’t skip (according to wanting/christine, skip is a more “high class” term for pon. hahah) guides okay, I did something for my house! GREEN! The girl who was suppose to run for thousand five heats was absent yesterday, so gracia asked me if I was willing to take her place. At first, I didn’t want to ’cause firstly, I wasn’t in the right attire (guides uni + 2 braided pigtails) secondly, it was eons since I seriously and dilligently ran rounds. But in the end, gracia helped me find pants while maan lent me her spare pe shirt. The pants that gracia found was triple s:sss, and I was like “OH MY GOSH, I CAN’T FIT IN THAT, SO SMALL” Do you know how small a person’s butt must be to fit in that? hahah, so I got pants from wanqi but still, gracia thanks for the effort:D

I went for thousand five and I thought I wouldn’t live to see today.
The run was really tough, after one round, my vision was blurring and I didn’t really know what was happening, except for all the cheers coming from the specs stand. I was so convinced to stop myself ’cause my heart was beating too fast, my stomach was in a mad churn, my head was exploding and my legs were numb, but when I heard people cheering me on, I told myself, it’s for my house, so come on, just run and get this over and done with. And that was what I did, and I’m glad I did that(: When you feel like your body can’t take the run anymore and like you want to collapse, hearing your friends cheering on for you really served as a motivation to push yourself even further and to complete the race. Thank you, dear friends(:

After the run, I knew my face was drained of colour, probably looking like a ghost. I was feeling really terrible, I wanted to vomit but it wouldn’t come up, I felt myself twirling around in circles voluntarily, like I didn’t have control over my body. I wanted so badly to sit down, and they didn’t allow me to, but I know it was for my own good. So, thanks ying ying, shiting, elaine, ruth and other people that my brain was unable to process any faces to match with the names(: Thanks maan, bern and mok too(: Maan and bern had to go back for training so mok stayed with me at the water cooler area near the MEP rooms. I slept on the floor for around half and hour while mok fanned me. Though the floor was hard but I am so thankful for at least having ground to sleep on. After I woke up, had quite a talk with mok and we did clear up certain misunderstandings that we had in the past. For now, I just hope, let’s forget about the past, let bygones be bygones and just move on from here. Friendships do consist a past but for unpleasant memories of the past, shall we learn to let go and appreciate what we share in this friendship now, in the present? And mok, don’t worry ’bout your mum, give her some more time to accept this whole thing. It may take one day, one week or maybe even a few years but however long the time she takes, I’m sure she also wants to look at you, her beautiful child, clearly and to love you wholeheartedly regardless of what happened. Let’s patiently wait for her scar to heal and no matter what, believe that she loves you, always believe that(: You can do it(:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOH SHI TING:D
Hey, lovely friend!
Like what I’ve said in the sms, you’ve been a really great friend:D Though you do suan me (always), I still enjoy the time that we’ve all spent together, like yesterday after we got our geog papers back, you stood up and mouthed those words, to ask me if I was okay and then we sat there and counted 1,2,3 and say the marks that we had for papers which we failed etc. You make recess fun-ner for all of us, you make stupid comments which make us laugh, you like to be the quiet girl at the side eating your pizza and laugh during funny moments, you are always smiling and encouraging me, especially during the EOY period, you are always happy when you see me, just like thursday, you shouted my name so loudly when you saw me at the stairs, and yes I know how excited you were to see me etc. HAHAH! So, cheers to our friendship and may you have a happy fifteenth!:D

Tag replies:

Esther]
The new skin’s nice right? I love it, simple and clean. What has my changing of skin, got to do with ai de li liang? Where’s the ai? You ah, oh my geese.

Mok]
You are welcome and thanks for yesterday(:

Yumin]
Guten tag, Lim Yu Min!:D
You miss me? Exams were terrible): We even got back our papers already which makes it even worse. mag means like? So you like talking to me? HAHA, I can barely remember my german:p

Tay]
Hey Giraffe! Wo, how did you remember the link? haha, neway, I’m glad you remembered and tagged here(: Yeah yeah, that colouful paper, I know you meant every word you wrote and as for the one you have, I also mean everything that I wrote there(: When we turn seventeen, like what you said, we shall take it out and read it together and laugh at these good old times:D I was touched(: & friend, your presence is enough, you3 xin1 jiu4 hao3(: FIGHT!

Deep down, I feel.

Today just isn’t that kind of sunny nice days, it was cloudy and cold.
Getting back those papers was just a killer, especially a.math. It was so bad, although I’ve already expected that kind of marks but seeing it penned down in red ink makes things worse than knowing the mark in your head. When Mrs Seah asked “Is it my problem? Don’t cry.”, I knew, I knew I let her down. She was on the verge of saying sorry for my results. But Mrs Seah, it’s really not your fault. You did so much for us, you dedicated so much time to us to just answer our endless questions, you entertained us anytime we needed you, you never got impatient with us, you answered us with all earnest, you encouraged us when our tests didn’t turn out well, you did everything for us, in the way you deemed was the most beneficial for us. Instead, I’m sorry for letting you down in this way, for getting such rubbish marks so don’t say sorry, Mrs Seah. As a teacher, you’ve actually done more than what you are asked to, you were great.

I expected more for physics, so much more but in the end, it turned out like that. It’s really not true that input=output, it doesn’t happen in this way all the time. I cannot stand and comprehend my inconsistency in physics, and once again, I didn’t even have the face to see Mrs Khong. After the E.lit workshop, I was just stoning my way home, of course I was sad, but it was more of being reflective of today’s happenings. Thanks Bern for allowing us not to talk throughout the bus ride(: I really need time by myself to think of all these, to find out why it’s so messed up.

I wasn’t scared of telling my mum the results for fear that she would scold me but more of she getting disappointed. Disappointment can sometimes be so much harder to accept than anger from someone. Someone scolds you, you get irritated and after a while, we all get over it but for disappointment, it pricks on the conscience, it makes me feel bad. When I told her my results, I could tell she wasn’t happy but that wasn’t the thing which bothered me it was her other reaction which did. She didn’t scold, she didn’t shout, she didn’t insult but she was harsh. Harshness that was beyond the superficial meaning, she understood me. For the first time, I knew my mum really knew how I was feeling. She knew I was feeling very bad about my results and though she did rubbed salt in the wound like what most parents would out of concern for their children, she encouraged me and gave me a hug, which made me even more sad. Mum, thank you for the hug. It really meant alot to me. Even though you were harsh, but at that point of time, unlike other times, I knew you were really knocking sense into me and telling me all sorts of things that you did to prepare for your Os and As and I didn’t hate the fact for you doing so. I appreciate that very much, it was like a mother instinct for you to do all that for your daughter and the mere presence of you being here for me is really enough for me to feel better. I really felt much better telling you how I feel and you being there to just listen to me, about how I feel about my studies and to spent your time to analyze with me what went wrong, I feel fortunate. Although you were so worried for my lousy grades, you still asked me to have confidence in myself and to even say this “You’ll get that A or B as long as you want to. Papa and I will always believe in you.” My mum dislikes her children to cry in front of her, in terms for results, but this time round, she let me cry to my heart’s content though my eyes were so weary from all that crying in school, my lips so dried and my face just so emotionless. But, of course, she said that I could cry but after that I got to move on. For now, I just need a time out but very soon, I will move on.

Qihong, Esther, Ruth: Let’s do this together, we’ll stand up strong again after this and brace ourselves for anymore storms and typhoons. We can do this, it’s neither taking a gamble or a risk ’cause I know we are capable of maximizing our potential further. We’ll get by this fall, support one another, encourage one another, help one another, listen to one another and stand up stronger than before(: Yvette, Bern, Meiqi, Mok: Thanks for your hugs/encouragement/cries with me etc, it definitely made me feel better in little but impactful ways(:

It rains and it shines(:

Games Carnival was not too bad, though we didn’t win overall but, come on, we had so much fun together!:D
Mei Qi, Wanyi, Rebecca, Wenting, KengYi, Zodiac and I played floorball, which at the beginning, wasn’t really great. Ben ren actually slipped and fell and scraped both my knees when we were not even a minute into the game. Then, after much, brushing of knees, five minutes into the game, I fell again and I sort of scraped my thigh. HAHA, it was just abrasions, so it’s fine though it hurts when I walk and when the sun shines into it. Ruth and her very good friend, Elaine, were commenting on how awesome a game I played. Thanks ah. But I think my falls are quite hilarious:D I badly wanted to get sunburnt but in the end Esther and Mei Qi got it except me, sometimes, I guess life’s just unfair like that. But I think I did get a little burnt, just a tiny one and my lips are super duper red now, like some red hot chilli peppers kind of red or the red of our blood or the red of the roses. My lips are always turning very red suddenly, if only some of this redness could go into those cheeks of mine(:

My mum and dad has been married for nineteen years since this Wednesday, how sweet is that(:
I did a really pretty card for them and my mum was so touched and I’m sure my dad was too! He just felt shy in admitting it(:
My mum and dad had loved each other for nineteen years and they had me fifteen years ago and my brother, 13 years ago. It just set me thinking to how much my mum and dad has and always will in putting so much effort to bring up both their children. They changed their diapers when we were wet, they fed us when we were hungry, they woke up in the middle of the night when we started crying, they bathed us when we were filthy, they bought us toys when we liked them etc and most importantly, they showered us with so much love. For me, it was so many years of that that they have done for me and I have to guiltily admit that I’ve definitely taken my parents for granted so many times. Sometimes, they really do make me angry and irritated, but when I calm down and think back, for all the things that they have done for me, is there really a need to feel angry, to feel irritated? I’ve come to realise how important my family is to me. You can say, that I’m slow in getting to know this, to be such a dummy to take my family for granted for so long, but honestly, throughout all these years I’ve never really thought about this whole family thing, to really take them as a family and not a house, which I go back to everyday to be clothed, fed and be given money.

Family’s more than that, it’s definitely worth much more than that. I’m really blessed that I’ve my family with me, I’m blessed that my parents are always here for me and my brother who’s always there whether I like it or not. He’s definitely mischevious, but behind his pranks and all, he’s really one nice boy(: I’ve been wanting to put this somewhere, to subtly remind me when I read my posts, to always treasure my family. I’ve hurt my mum greatly before and we had a huge quarrel after that and it wasn’t good at all. It’s like a heavy stone weighing at the bottom of my heart and wanting to weigh heavier to the diaphragm or something. It’s always this kind of thing which hits me hard in my head and wakes me up from my senseless self. I guess, sometimes I can thank this happenings for being here in my life, ’cause ultimately it did help me figure out some of the things that I might never have figured out if such things did not happen.

Life’s just throwing all sorts at us and of all these sorts, some will make us understand the feeling of friendship, the importance of how studies are, the kind of person we want to be when we grow up etc, and of course, a sort which makes me know how a family is like to me and how I want to love this family in my own beautiful way(:

Neway, there’s something else that I want to say here for a friend(:

Hey friend!

I’m sorry that I can’t really wish you or even say something encouraging to you during this period that you are going through. We may not be the closest of friends but just a friend whom we would acknowledge and smile to each other when we pass each other along the corridors. Nevertheless, we are still friends, so in this own little way I would like to wish all the best to you and to pull through this tough time with a brave and courageous heart. Whatever it may be, no matter how pain and tiring this whole process would be, I believe that you have the ability to endure all this and to stay optimistic when things don’t look good. At first, you may find it tough to adapt but eventually, you will find that there are so many people around you that will be there to grab hold of you when you fall, to dry your tears when you shed them, to give you all care and love whenever you need them, at your lowest moments throughout this whole thing. So, whatever it is, I’m sure you will do it great and I’ll pray for you(:

Hiding behind skin that’s too tough

HELLO!
It’s been a real long time, hasn’t it? and I’m now finally down with exams, woohoo!:D Those who are still having theirs, all the best(:
I don’t really feel like blogging now but since neoshan replied my tag with a post, I shall reply a post with a post, and let’s see if she’s smart enough to find this.

ESTHER:
Hello pongz! We are now finally done with exams but sorry, you still have one more paper, HAHAHA! Okay lah, do your best okay, if you need help, I can try helping you, you know I’m a very helpful person(: Neway, this is a reply to your post! Don’t you think I’m so smart, you replied my tag with a post so I decided to reply your post with a post! Oh please, I didn’t call you ’cause I missed you okay, if I’m not wrong I called you to ask you something:D Aiya, though I always say we are all 自己人, but honestly, everytime I say that, you people would just go 谁跟你是自己人? Bad people, ulterior motive, think I don’t know right. But it’s alright, 我们还是自己人,so I won’t deny anything, and you don’t have to deny it too, we just missed each other lah, but you missed me more so you needed to hear my voice, a subsitution to ASM’s voice. How scheming, esther, but it’s alright, 自己人(: Right, I knew you people had ulterior motive. Pfft. Special someone, you? you mean like a 知己? You know why you had to tell me that, ’cause you are scared that I wouldn’t know that you are the special someone. Hahaha, you think you are my special someone meh? Okay lah, probably you are, I don’t even know why I’m agreeing with you on this point. I guess ’cause I’m worried that you might be sad if I don’t then just sit on the floor and start bursting into tears. And I know you are also very happy and glad that you have me, your special someone, at the other end of the red dot, doing and probably thinking about the same thing as you!:D I didn’t say there’s anything wrong with thinner hair, and nope, it didn’t, I forgot to bring the mirror!:o So I couldn’t see, but I did enough preperation at home, by staring at it for a long time at home! You know it’s fate, that’s why we can’t go out on thursday to take long bus rides ’cause of your council stuff, so don’t be sad, that you won’t be able to see me. You’ll just have to wait till Friday, just endure a little more. One more thing, you don’t look like a dog to me(AND I DON’T LOOK LIKE A HORSE, SO DON’T CALL ME ONE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH), just look like a very weird human, probably an alien?:D Touched, just because you posted for me? Let me touch my heart and see if it feels touched. -touching heart in process- The heart’s not responding leh, so probably it doesn’t feel touched, HAHAHA. You should feel honoured and touched too, stupid neoshan(: And please, I don’t have to whine for you to share food with me, ’cause you’ll be more than willing to right right right! On the last note, don’t think I don’t know, so you don’t have to hide your smile, I can see it creeping out at the corners of your mouth(: Hah, look at how happy you are reading this!
GOODBYE MRS ASM ESTHER NEO WEI SHAN AND GOOD LUCK FOR MEP, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, STUDY HARD YEAH:D

Psst, though yesterday we only went out for awhile, but it was really a long time since we had such talks due to exams, so thank you!