Deep down, I feel.

Today just isn’t that kind of sunny nice days, it was cloudy and cold.
Getting back those papers was just a killer, especially a.math. It was so bad, although I’ve already expected that kind of marks but seeing it penned down in red ink makes things worse than knowing the mark in your head. When Mrs Seah asked “Is it my problem? Don’t cry.”, I knew, I knew I let her down. She was on the verge of saying sorry for my results. But Mrs Seah, it’s really not your fault. You did so much for us, you dedicated so much time to us to just answer our endless questions, you entertained us anytime we needed you, you never got impatient with us, you answered us with all earnest, you encouraged us when our tests didn’t turn out well, you did everything for us, in the way you deemed was the most beneficial for us. Instead, I’m sorry for letting you down in this way, for getting such rubbish marks so don’t say sorry, Mrs Seah. As a teacher, you’ve actually done more than what you are asked to, you were great.

I expected more for physics, so much more but in the end, it turned out like that. It’s really not true that input=output, it doesn’t happen in this way all the time. I cannot stand and comprehend my inconsistency in physics, and once again, I didn’t even have the face to see Mrs Khong. After the E.lit workshop, I was just stoning my way home, of course I was sad, but it was more of being reflective of today’s happenings. Thanks Bern for allowing us not to talk throughout the bus ride(: I really need time by myself to think of all these, to find out why it’s so messed up.

I wasn’t scared of telling my mum the results for fear that she would scold me but more of she getting disappointed. Disappointment can sometimes be so much harder to accept than anger from someone. Someone scolds you, you get irritated and after a while, we all get over it but for disappointment, it pricks on the conscience, it makes me feel bad. When I told her my results, I could tell she wasn’t happy but that wasn’t the thing which bothered me it was her other reaction which did. She didn’t scold, she didn’t shout, she didn’t insult but she was harsh. Harshness that was beyond the superficial meaning, she understood me. For the first time, I knew my mum really knew how I was feeling. She knew I was feeling very bad about my results and though she did rubbed salt in the wound like what most parents would out of concern for their children, she encouraged me and gave me a hug, which made me even more sad. Mum, thank you for the hug. It really meant alot to me. Even though you were harsh, but at that point of time, unlike other times, I knew you were really knocking sense into me and telling me all sorts of things that you did to prepare for your Os and As and I didn’t hate the fact for you doing so. I appreciate that very much, it was like a mother instinct for you to do all that for your daughter and the mere presence of you being here for me is really enough for me to feel better. I really felt much better telling you how I feel and you being there to just listen to me, about how I feel about my studies and to spent your time to analyze with me what went wrong, I feel fortunate. Although you were so worried for my lousy grades, you still asked me to have confidence in myself and to even say this “You’ll get that A or B as long as you want to. Papa and I will always believe in you.” My mum dislikes her children to cry in front of her, in terms for results, but this time round, she let me cry to my heart’s content though my eyes were so weary from all that crying in school, my lips so dried and my face just so emotionless. But, of course, she said that I could cry but after that I got to move on. For now, I just need a time out but very soon, I will move on.

Qihong, Esther, Ruth: Let’s do this together, we’ll stand up strong again after this and brace ourselves for anymore storms and typhoons. We can do this, it’s neither taking a gamble or a risk ’cause I know we are capable of maximizing our potential further. We’ll get by this fall, support one another, encourage one another, help one another, listen to one another and stand up stronger than before(: Yvette, Bern, Meiqi, Mok: Thanks for your hugs/encouragement/cries with me etc, it definitely made me feel better in little but impactful ways(: